To The Man Whose Heart I Broke

You always tell me that i can through times when im sure i couldnt
You believed in me when i couldnt even believe in myself
You have seen me at my worst, yet you loved me anyway
You chase me every time i impulsively drift away
Your hugs and kisses provided me shelter
You lose sleep for me
You carry me when im inebriated
You carry me both literally and figuratively
You dont mind all the peculiar, judgmental looks you get when you buy tampons for me
You were never fooled by the mistakes i made, or by dark images i hold about myself
You remember my beauty when i feel ugly, my wholeness when i am broken
My innocence when i feel guilty and my purpose when i feel confused
Yet you never asked for anything in return
Never have i ever met a guy who made me hear the words “i love you” through actions, not words, until the day you came
What have i done in my past life to deserve someone like you?
How blessed i am to have someone like you in my life who makes me feel like i am the most beautiful woman in the world
You loved me for me
You felt like home

Yet i chose to hurt you
For i am a misguided ghost
And i am still trying to find myself
In a place faraway

Thank you, for being my Ted
I am sorry. I am sorry.

It’s in your eyes, it’s the way you hold my hand, it’s the light kisses you put on my forehead, it’s the hugs you give me as if providing shelter. You are, by far the only guy who has made me feel loved in the best way possible. You’re clingy, you text me every time I need you to text me, you’re always there, in times of need and in times when i don’t even need you at all. That’s something hard to pull off.

Never did I feel as if your “i love you’s” have become routine. Don’t you ever think that i am not grateful, i am. I am thankful because i have finally found a man who has the capability to love me truly, unconditionally, without asking anything in return.

But… there is always a but. You fell in love with the wrong woman.
You fell in love with a woman who is still learning to love herself so she can give more, you fell for a woman who is in search for her thirst on her profanity and is driven by wilderness. You loved me so much. The kind of love so selfless i have lost the ability to reciprocate. I have already lost the capability to love.

I am a mess. You know that. I am in no position to glue something together or holding a precious gem to protect it from harm. I am not the gem, you are. I am just a piece of rusting garbage. I am poison to you and i cant just let myself destroy a precious thing like you.

I’m sorry i had to hurt you. I’m sorry you were counting on me. I’m sorry you waited for me, you poured your heart out to me, you wrapped me in your arms with the same love as you always used to, you gave me all your time and effort. And I couldn’t return them to you. I’m sorry. But more than being sorry, I want to say thank you. I thank you for all the amazing memories- the support, the love. Those were all genuine, everything felt true. I was happy.

But the timing was horrible, as it was, before. Timing sucks, i hate timing.

But i want you to know that us being together made me very happy. I see my friends getting into arguments with their guys, and i would think how lucky i was that i wouldn’t have to deal with you treating me like crap. You treated me, for the most part, like absolute gold. I’ve never felt so consistently loved in my whole life. You set the bar so damn high. And i dont think someone will ever love me like that again, ever.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry that i had to end things. I’m sorry that i hurt you, and that i hurt us.

In a few years, i know you will be soon out in your world, living in happiness, spreading your smile, and surrounding yourself with people as wonderful as you. I could not think higher of you as a person, as a best friend, as a partner. You are one of the most remarkable people i have ever met, and nothing in this world could change the admiration that i have for you.

Please, don’t hate me. Don’t resent me. But also, don’t keep me in you’re life if you can’t. I want to be friends, but i will understand if that isn’t possible. I wont be selfish anymore, if you cant see me for a time, just say the word.

I am still looking forward to the future, that someday, i will be right for you. I will be healthy for you. Us, growing old together and being happy as we can be. But it will take me some time.

I’ll be going away for a while. I’ll fix myself. I cant promise i will be better, but i will at least try. Thank you for making me feel what its like to be someone’s Robin.

I love you, my Ted. Be happy. You deserve everything good in this world.

Dazed and Confused

Hello, WordPress

Wow. It’s been a while since i last wrote here. I used to be occupied with academic stuff i had no time to write in here. Well, it’s my hell week yet here i am, lying on my bed at 3 am on a Monday, trying to construct the words i have been yearning to say.

These past few days, i have been thinking about those people who die at a very young age, yet arent buried until theyre 75. Death of the soul is much worse than physical death.

Hate is a self-destructive emotion. It is how a soul commits suicide.

These days, i dont feel alive anymore. I feel numb and senseless. I feel dead.

I used to be the hopeless romantic type. That naive, innocent, give-it-all kind. Yet life hit me hard in the face so i became this intangible, realist, indecisive cynic. Sometimes, i cannot help but think it was way better when i was still dwelling onto my depression stage. It was horrible, yes. Most painful thing ever. But at least i got to feel something. At least i got to feel alive. At least i got to feel human.

I have completely lost the capability to love. Love- it just don’t matter that much anymore. Does it really even exist? My cynicism has gone way worse.

I mean, look at us. We meet lots of people. We get attached, we fall in love. Then we fall out or apart and carry on looking for something or someone else. What a fucked up scene yet the majority of us keep on encountering it one way or another.

The bottom line is, the age where we live today has little to do with commitment. And loving someone today seems almost an obscenity.

I used to feel like i was just walking in a dark tunnel, i used to see a small hint of light. Now, the tunnel just went totally dark.

So, where do i go from here? What direction am i supposed to adhere? Will i still be able to find some light? I swear i dont know anymore. I am a hopeless, heartless monster.

To The Man Whose Heart I Played

Watching romantic movies, i grew up believing in the notion that only guys can play with a woman’s heart. I used to think that only men can do the breaking. And as sexist as this may sound, i used to believe that women are always the ones who get cheated on and left behind.

I still remember the night we first met. It was odd and amazing at the same time, how we instantly “clicked” over just a few bottles of beer. You were the first guy who made me feel that giddy again months after i got my heart broken. Thus, it made me hold on to that tiny bit of possibility that you might be the one, that you might be the one who could fix me.

We were so happy. Everything was so perfect until i saw what’s beneath your pretty face and gentle caresses. A filthy cheater. A manipulator. A player.

I was beyond disappointed, so i left. I didnt deserve that, i didnt deserve to be just one of your girls. But then you were so persistent. It was almost as if you were so eager to add my name on your list. That made me very angry, not just for myself but also for all the girls you played with. So i started plotting out my masterplan.

I didnt let you know that i was aware of your background as a player. I played along, made you believe that you were finally getting me to fall in love with you. I lured you into thinking that you were the man of my dreams. Until you fell in love with me. Until you finally decided to stop playing and settle with me instead. Until i saw that sparkle, that look in your eyes telling me that i succeeded and that it was time for me to leave you, right there.

I know what youre thinking. Youre probably thinking of how rude i am for playing with your heart, for making you believe what we had was real. I know you feel furious. I know your ego’s down as hell and that you hate not only me, but also yourself for believing all the bullshit lies i said. You might wanna kill me if you can right now. You might wanna punch me right on the face just to get even. You might wanna inflict me the same amount of pain that youre having right now, but there’s no need for that.

I know what i did was downright hideous, but all i wanted was to give you a taste of your own medicine.

You may abhor me for lying to you, for manipulating you. But the truth is, none of them was a lie. I meant everything, and the funny thing is, until now im still tying to convince myself that i didnt. That it was all part of my plan -my plan to break your heart and let you know how it feels to be played around and to be left hanging.

I had true feelings for you. Maybe i even loved you. It was almost a fairytale. Except that it wasn’t.

I left. I left because i was alarmed of how toxic you are for me. You turned me into the kind of person that i hated the most. You made me player, a monster. You turned me into someone just like you.

Seeing you beg like that crushed me, and believe me when i say that i almost gave in. I know you are in pain and maybe i did succeeded. Maybe my plan worked. Maybe i broke your heart. But the thing is, i broke mine too. And so, if its any consolation, i am in pain too. I destroyed you in a very specific way, in denying the idea that you ever had a heart in the first place; but i never knew breaking you heart can involve breaking my own too. I wish i had.

Losing Man’s Best Friend

Today, i woke up with heaviness in my heart. This was the day ive been dreading the last couple of days, the day i would lose a part of me forever. I was prepared. I knew the reality of the situation, but i guess you could say i wasnt ready to accept it. The selfish side of me would probably say i would never be ready to accept it. He was my best friend, the one being that gave me unconditional love at every hour of the day, expecting nothing in return, but, he was suffering too much to keep him going any longer. Today, i lost my beloved dog, Igor.

Igor was one of the greatest gifts one could ever ask for, and i feel forever grateful to my uncle. He had given me the best years of my life by giving me my Igor. Anyone who was lucky enough to have met Igor knows just how extraordinary he was. He was more that just a dog, for he has a human heart. But, just like how all great and wonderful things end, the day had to come where Igor had to cross the rainbow bridge. It was heart-wrenching to see my him deteriorate the way he did because, like most dog owners can probably attest to, he didn’t deserve to suffer. He didnt deserve to go deaf, he didnt deserve to get cloudy eyes, and he most definitely didnt deserve to nearly lose his ability to walk.

No matter the pain Igor was feeling, he always put my life first until the very end. Tonight, i will go to bed looking forward to hearing his bark in the morning, but i will find comfort in knowing he’s no longer in pain. It seems impossible to imagine a world without Igor, but the memory of him will never fade. He has had my heart for 16 wonderful years, and he’ll have it for an infinity more. The fact that he died on a National Heroes’day means a lot. He truly is one hell of a hero. I love you always and forever, my Igor.

Gypsy Soul Tales: A Solo Flight to Plaridel

Ever since i was a kid, i have always wondered what it felt like travelling alone. Lately, i have been reading a lot of articles about how travelling alone is actually good for the soul. It makes you know yourself more, allows you to be more observant of the culture and people in different places. Thus, it makes you ponder and improve yourself for the better.

This mid-year, i havent really had the chance to travel alone but what i have experienced was a solo flight. My mom booked the flight for me bound for Ozamis last last week under Philippine Airlines. My flight was scheduled at 5 am, and being the kind of not-so-morning-person i am, i have to admit that i kind of struggled to catch my flight.

I packed all my baggages only the night before my flight so i had to be quick in order to gain enough sleep. I have gone through a lot of hassle that day because i had to pack my things for our new apartment in the morning & also, i just took my last exam in the afternoon. I was really in a rush, i tell you.

So anyway, i set my first alarm at 1:30 am but ended up awake at 2 am. I have been sleep deprived since forever. My Kuya Allan drove me to the airport at around 3 am; and at around 3:30 am, i have already managed to check in.

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I was a bit early for my flight though, so i had to sit and wait for a few minutes along with the other passengers. I also had to go somewhere and buy some food because well, i havent eaten breakfast yet since i was really in a hurry. I bought some french toast for myself and a bottle of drinking water. (Damn, the food in the airport are really expensive; so i suggest you bring your own snacks when you are about to travel)

At around 4:40 am, they were already heading us into the plane. Good thing my mom requested a seat beside the window for me for she knows how much i love looking out the window even inside the car. However, when i opened up the window prior to the plane’s takeoff, it’s still too dark to see anything.

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The plane took off at exactly 5 am. (I love how PAL is always on time, btw) And at around 5:30 am, the sun was already rising. My original plan was to sleep during the short plane ride but believe me when i say the sunrise looked so marvelous up there it made my sleepiness drift away.

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When the sun was already high enough to blind us with its rays, the passengers, including me, kind of decided to close the windows.

During that plane ride though, i have met a new friend and his name’s Jacob. Judging from the way he looked, i think he’s at his early 20’s. I actually was about to sleep when he suddenly initiated some conversation so yeah, i kind of had no choice but to talk back lols. He said he’s about to visit his dying (from cancer) mom in the province, and he’s very excited but sad at the same time. He was also having a solo flight. We talked about more things and after exchanging stories with him, i think he’s a nice guy. A family-oriented, optimistic guy. And i am actually glad our paths came across.

The plane landed on Ozamis Airport at 6:45 am and i have to say, looking outside the window made me feel very eccentric the moment i started seeing a lot of coconut trees and farmlands. Like, A LOT. My mom was already there along with some of our relatives, waiting for me. I waited for my baggage until it was ready to be claimed then immediately ran outside the airport and gave my greetings. They were really happy to see me, and i was really glad to see them too.

Just a segue though, i was able to see the actor Aljur Abrenica in the airport!!! I am not really a fan, but well, he’s undeniably gorgeous in person

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My cousin Joshua helped me put my things in the car and in a few minutes, we were en route to my mom’s hometown.

Looking outside the car, with the windows down and the fresh air stroking my face, my heart felt really giddy to finally be back to the place where i spent sometime of my childhood. I was very eager to meet my grandpa too. Everything was just too exciting.

We spent almost 2 hours on the road before we finally reached the house. The minute we arrived, they headed me into my room. I felt really nostalgic and honored upon entering it.

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So um, to end this, even though i was in so much hassle and sleep deprivation, i can say it was utterly worth it. It was such a wonderful experience.

Will be blogging about my first day in Plaridel, Misamis Occidental soon, so stay tuned! Til my next tale!

Gypsy Soul Tales: My Press Cafe Experience

I have always been a bookworm since when i was a kid. Everything about books fascinates me. I love to read. I love the smell of books. I love going to book fairs and i like being surrounded by books. Sometimes, i can spend like 5 hours of my day or more just lurking around at any bookstore- reading books even without buying them.

On top of the list of my most visited bookstores is Fullybooked, though i had just found out about the place 2 years ago when a branch nearby opened up (ATC branch). National bookstore and Powerbooks were my main solitary places back then but the thing about Fullybooked that instantly caught my heart aside from its tranquil ambiance is that it has a coffee shop attached to it: the Press Cafe. Continue reading Gypsy Soul Tales: My Press Cafe Experience