Has anyone of you already felt tired of life, not the mawkish kind of tired but the real exhaustion of the idea of living or i should say, existing itself
Has anyone of you felt that excruciating heaviness in your chest upon opening your eyes in the morning, which once drove you into this wishful thinking that if only you could just stop breathing then it will be the end of your agony, for once
Has anyone of you ever smoked a cigarette so fast you hoped your lungs would just explode and let your whole system shut down, just like that
Has anyone of you wished to escape the labyrinth of reality so much that if disappearing was only possible you would’ve done it forever ago
Has anyone of you ever been haunted by monsters in your sleep, those monsters you do not typically see in movies but the ones who torture you, like stabbing you a thousand times in the chest making it seem like dying was such a luxury
Has anyone of you ever felt that excruciating pang of longing for something that you know would never come back
Has anyone of you ever felt that sense of complete powerlessness realizing that everything seems so wrong and you had no way of putting things right
Has anyone of you decided that you were neither happy nor unhappy, and that was why you couldn’t go on
Does anyone of you know how it is like to suffer from depression? Not the sappy kind of depression but the real one?
In a world where everyone struggles to survive whatever the cost, how could one judge those people who decide to die?
The truth is, no one can judge. Each person knows the extent of their own suffering or the total absence of meaning in their lives. Everyone has their own coping capacities and unless you have experienced EXACTLY the same thing that a person is going through, you have no right to criticize that person in any way.
“I believe that there are two ways of telling your story. One is to tell it compellingly and direly, keep coming back to it because you see your present suffering as the result of your past experiences. But you can tell it from a place where it no longer dominates you” – and this is exactly what i am doing at this very moment while i am typing these words. Here’s a little revelation: the excerpts of free poetry above are mine. Those are just few of my writings on the journal which my psychiatrist used to make me write on a year ago… when i was a teenage wreck.
A year ago, i was a dispirited teenager who badly wanted to end her life. I didn’t see the meaning of life, instead i saw it’s complete meaninglessness because i was blinded by all the tormenting pain that i was dealing with. But now, i wouldnt say that i’m a hundred percent successful in life since i havent graduated yet, but i can say that i’m better, for my heart is full. And i thank myself for being strong. I thank myself for holding on, for not ending it too soon. I have attempted to kill myself one too many times but why didnt i carry on? It’s because I ended up convinced that life was worth living. Because i have learned that everything gets better in time.
Maybe we feel empty because we leave pieces of ourselves in everything we used to love. Maybe we feel tired because we see life as a routine; and we become convinced that the days would soon lose all their originality and be transformed into the tragedy of a life in which everything repeats itself and where one day is exactly like another. But it wont. Life is beautiful. You might not see it now (i didn’t too) but it is. And you just do it. You force yourself to get up in the morning, start your day. You force yourself to smile, and you refuse to let the monsters get to you. You scream, fight, cry, curse. Then you continue living. That’s exactly what i did, and i made it. Believe it or not, there’s no other way.
The truth is, life doesn’t get better, we do. And all you have to do is to make sure you’re there to see it.
Stay alive, everything will be lovely again soon.
Stay strong, May