Last night felt like a dream- a stupid, wonderful dream i wish i never have to wake up from. Everything finally fell perfectly into place; and it felt glorious.
I still love you. Yes, i still do. There’s no point in hiding it now. No matter how bad our relationship got, i am still glad we happened. Because i needed this relationship in my life. I needed you in my life.
Those two years of us being together was incommensurate. Those were two years of my life i can never take back, but even if i had the ability to do so, i wouldnt. I never would. Because those two years were my emotional peak. I was able to feel everything- rage, melancholia, bliss. I was never stable. But it felt good. It felt so damn good.
No matter how much time passes, no matter what takes place in the interim, there are some things we can never assign to oblivion, memories we can never rub away. And you are one of those things.
You are like my hometown. Everything about you will always stay familiar, no matter how many years would pass. Everything will be forever familiar- most especially how our hands perfectly fit each other when they’re intertwined.
But just like any other hometown, you are also my comfort zone. And in order for me to grow, i cannot stay inside my comfort zone forever. I need to leave my hometown to grow, to flourish. I need to find myself and discover new things that will make me improve as a person.
This is why i needed to leave you, no matter how hard it was for me. And i have to admit that John Green’s right; it is so hard to leave – until you leave. And then it’s the easiest goddamn thing in the world.
“The most selfless thing I’ve ever done was fight the urge to ask you to stay”
That’s what you told me last night.
I hated you. I hated you so much for not asking me to stay. I hated you for just letting me slip away from your fingers, just like that. I hated you for acting like you didn’t care. I hated you.
But as time went by, i felt grateful. I felt grateful to you for not asking me to stay. For not begging me to come back. Because if you did, i would. I definitely would. And if i did, i would never have grown. I would never have changed for the better. I would never have improved.
What happened last night made me feel like i was in some kind of movie and we were reaching the ending. The borderline. It felt sad, but blissful at the same time because i have finally let go of all the grudges i have been carrying here in my heart for a very long time.
After all, it wasn’t such a bad way to end.