To The Man Whose Heart I Played

Watching romantic movies, i grew up believing in the notion that only guys can play with a woman’s heart. I used to think that only men can do the breaking. And as sexist as this may sound, i used to believe that women are always the ones who get cheated on and left behind.

I still remember the night we first met. It was odd and amazing at the same time, how we instantly “clicked” over just a few bottles of beer. You were the first guy who made me feel that giddy again months after i got my heart broken. Thus, it made me hold on to that tiny bit of possibility that you might be the one, that you might be the one who could fix me.

We were so happy. Everything was so perfect until i saw what’s beneath your pretty face and gentle caresses. A filthy cheater. A manipulator. A player.

I was beyond disappointed, so i left. I didnt deserve that, i didnt deserve to be just one of your girls. But then you were so persistent. It was almost as if you were so eager to add my name on your list. That made me very angry, not just for myself but also for all the girls you played with. So i started plotting out my masterplan.

I didnt let you know that i was aware of your background as a player. I played along, made you believe that you were finally getting me to fall in love with you. I lured you into thinking that you were the man of my dreams. Until you fell in love with me. Until you finally decided to stop playing and settle with me instead. Until i saw that sparkle, that look in your eyes telling me that i succeeded and that it was time for me to leave you, right there.

I know what youre thinking. Youre probably thinking of how rude i am for playing with your heart, for making you believe what we had was real. I know you feel furious. I know your ego’s down as hell and that you hate not only me, but also yourself for believing all the bullshit lies i said. You might wanna kill me if you can right now. You might wanna punch me right on the face just to get even. You might wanna inflict me the same amount of pain that youre having right now, but there’s no need for that.

I know what i did was downright hideous, but all i wanted was to give you a taste of your own medicine.

You may abhor me for lying to you, for manipulating you. But the truth is, none of them was a lie. I meant everything, and the funny thing is, until now im still tying to convince myself that i didnt. That it was all part of my plan -my plan to break your heart and let you know how it feels to be played around and to be left hanging.

I had true feelings for you. Maybe i even loved you. It was almost a fairytale. Except that it wasn’t.

I left. I left because i was alarmed of how toxic you are for me. You turned me into the kind of person that i hated the most. You made me player, a monster. You turned me into someone just like you.

Seeing you beg like that crushed me, and believe me when i say that i almost gave in. I know you are in pain and maybe i did succeeded. Maybe my plan worked. Maybe i broke your heart. But the thing is, i broke mine too. And so, if its any consolation, i am in pain too. I destroyed you in a very specific way, in denying the idea that you ever had a heart in the first place; but i never knew breaking you heart can involve breaking my own too. I wish i had.


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I'm Joanna Grace Namoc, a nineteen-year-old gypsy soul. A bookworm since birth. Two of my favourite books are The Catcher in the Rye and Veronika Decides to Die. I'm a frustrated writer. I'm a fan of rainy days accompanied with hot coffee, sweater and a good read. I'm not the type that goes gaga over a bouquet of roses; i like sunflowers more. I love listening to indie music. I love photography. I have a knack for gratuitously cleaning and arranging things which lead me to this belief that i have OCD. I am fascinated by frogs and jet plane trails. I love driving to distant places alone. The only goodbyes that i like is how the sky does it every sunset. I enjoy solitude - particularly visiting places to wander, where my thoughts are my only companions. I'm pretty cynical too. I hate relationships because i suck being anyone's anything. I'm aware the cruelty of this world, but i still believe that life is beautiful. I'm currently taking up Bachelor of Science in Economics at the University of the Philippines Los Banos. I dream to be a lawyer or a writer. Or maybe both, if that doesn't sound far-fetched.

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