To The Man Whose Heart I Broke

You always tell me that i can through times when im sure i couldnt
You believed in me when i couldnt even believe in myself
You have seen me at my worst, yet you loved me anyway
You chase me every time i impulsively drift away
Your hugs and kisses provided me shelter
You lose sleep for me
You carry me when im inebriated
You carry me both literally and figuratively
You dont mind all the peculiar, judgmental looks you get when you buy tampons for me
You were never fooled by the mistakes i made, or by dark images i hold about myself
You remember my beauty when i feel ugly, my wholeness when i am broken
My innocence when i feel guilty and my purpose when i feel confused
Yet you never asked for anything in return
Never have i ever met a guy who made me hear the words “i love you” through actions, not words, until the day you came
What have i done in my past life to deserve someone like you?
How blessed i am to have someone like you in my life who makes me feel like i am the most beautiful woman in the world
You loved me for me
You felt like home

Yet i chose to hurt you
For i am a misguided ghost
And i am still trying to find myself
In a place faraway

Thank you, for being my Ted
I am sorry. I am sorry.

It’s in your eyes, it’s the way you hold my hand, it’s the light kisses you put on my forehead, it’s the hugs you give me as if providing shelter. You are, by far the only guy who has made me feel loved in the best way possible. You’re clingy, you text me every time I need you to text me, you’re always there, in times of need and in times when i don’t even need you at all. That’s something hard to pull off.

Never did I feel as if your “i love you’s” have become routine. Don’t you ever think that i am not grateful, i am. I am thankful because i have finally found a man who has the capability to love me truly, unconditionally, without asking anything in return.

But… there is always a but. You fell in love with the wrong woman.
You fell in love with a woman who is still learning to love herself so she can give more, you fell for a woman who is in search for her thirst on her profanity and is driven by wilderness. You loved me so much. The kind of love so selfless i have lost the ability to reciprocate. I have already lost the capability to love.

I am a mess. You know that. I am in no position to glue something together or holding a precious gem to protect it from harm. I am not the gem, you are. I am just a piece of rusting garbage. I am poison to you and i cant just let myself destroy a precious thing like you.

I’m sorry i had to hurt you. I’m sorry you were counting on me. I’m sorry you waited for me, you poured your heart out to me, you wrapped me in your arms with the same love as you always used to, you gave me all your time and effort. And I couldn’t return them to you. I’m sorry. But more than being sorry, I want to say thank you. I thank you for all the amazing memories- the support, the love. Those were all genuine, everything felt true. I was happy.

But the timing was horrible, as it was, before. Timing sucks, i hate timing.

But i want you to know that us being together made me very happy. I see my friends getting into arguments with their guys, and i would think how lucky i was that i wouldn’t have to deal with you treating me like crap. You treated me, for the most part, like absolute gold. I’ve never felt so consistently loved in my whole life. You set the bar so damn high. And i dont think someone will ever love me like that again, ever.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry that i had to end things. I’m sorry that i hurt you, and that i hurt us.

In a few years, i know you will be soon out in your world, living in happiness, spreading your smile, and surrounding yourself with people as wonderful as you. I could not think higher of you as a person, as a best friend, as a partner. You are one of the most remarkable people i have ever met, and nothing in this world could change the admiration that i have for you.

Please, don’t hate me. Don’t resent me. But also, don’t keep me in you’re life if you can’t. I want to be friends, but i will understand if that isn’t possible. I wont be selfish anymore, if you cant see me for a time, just say the word.

I am still looking forward to the future, that someday, i will be right for you. I will be healthy for you. Us, growing old together and being happy as we can be. But it will take me some time.

I’ll be going away for a while. I’ll fix myself. I cant promise i will be better, but i will at least try. Thank you for making me feel what its like to be someone’s Robin.

I love you, my Ted. Be happy. You deserve everything good in this world.


Dazed and Confused

Hello, WordPress

Wow. It’s been a while since i last wrote here. I used to be occupied with academic stuff i had no time to write in here. Well, it’s my hell week yet here i am, lying on my bed at 3 am on a Monday, trying to construct the words i have been yearning to say.

These past few days, i have been thinking about those people who die at a very young age, yet arent buried until theyre 75. Death of the soul is much worse than physical death.

Hate is a self-destructive emotion. It is how a soul commits suicide.

These days, i dont feel alive anymore. I feel numb and senseless. I feel dead.

I used to be the hopeless romantic type. That naive, innocent, give-it-all kind. Yet life hit me hard in the face so i became this intangible, realist, indecisive cynic. Sometimes, i cannot help but think it was way better when i was still dwelling onto my depression stage. It was horrible, yes. Most painful thing ever. But at least i got to feel something. At least i got to feel alive. At least i got to feel human.

I have completely lost the capability to love. Love- it just don’t matter that much anymore. Does it really even exist? My cynicism has gone way worse.

I mean, look at us. We meet lots of people. We get attached, we fall in love. Then we fall out or apart and carry on looking for something or someone else. What a fucked up scene yet the majority of us keep on encountering it one way or another.

The bottom line is, the age where we live today has little to do with commitment. And loving someone today seems almost an obscenity.

I used to feel like i was just walking in a dark tunnel, i used to see a small hint of light. Now, the tunnel just went totally dark.

So, where do i go from here? What direction am i supposed to adhere? Will i still be able to find some light? I swear i dont know anymore. I am a hopeless, heartless monster.