Wow. It’s been a while since i last wrote here. I used to be occupied with academic stuff i had no time to write in here. Well, it’s my hell week yet here i am, lying on my bed at 3 am on a Monday, trying to construct the words i have been yearning to say.
These past few days, i have been thinking about those people who die at a very young age, yet arent buried until theyre 75. Death of the soul is much worse than physical death.
Hate is a self-destructive emotion. It is how a soul commits suicide.
These days, i dont feel alive anymore. I feel numb and senseless. I feel dead.
I used to be the hopeless romantic type. That naive, innocent, give-it-all kind. Yet life hit me hard in the face so i became this intangible, realist, indecisive cynic. Sometimes, i cannot help but think it was way better when i was still dwelling onto my depression stage. It was horrible, yes. Most painful thing ever. But at least i got to feel something. At least i got to feel alive. At least i got to feel human.
I have completely lost the capability to love. Love- it just don’t matter that much anymore. Does it really even exist? My cynicism has gone way worse.
I mean, look at us. We meet lots of people. We get attached, we fall in love. Then we fall out or apart and carry on looking for something or someone else. What a fucked up scene yet the majority of us keep on encountering it one way or another.
The bottom line is, the age where we live today has little to do with commitment. And loving someone today seems almost an obscenity.
I used to feel like i was just walking in a dark tunnel, i used to see a small hint of light. Now, the tunnel just went totally dark.
So, where do i go from here? What direction am i supposed to adhere? Will i still be able to find some light? I swear i dont know anymore. I am a hopeless, heartless monster.