Dazed and Confused

Hello, WordPress

Wow. It’s been a while since i last wrote here. I used to be occupied with academic stuff i had no time to write in here. Well, it’s my hell week yet here i am, lying on my bed at 3 am on a Monday, trying to construct the words i have been yearning to say.

These past few days, i have been thinking about those people who die at a very young age, yet arent buried until theyre 75. Death of the soul is much worse than physical death.

Hate is a self-destructive emotion. It is how a soul commits suicide.

These days, i dont feel alive anymore. I feel numb and senseless. I feel dead.

I used to be the hopeless romantic type. That naive, innocent, give-it-all kind. Yet life hit me hard in the face so i became this intangible, realist, indecisive cynic. Sometimes, i cannot help but think it was way better when i was still dwelling onto my depression stage. It was horrible, yes. Most painful thing ever. But at least i got to feel something. At least i got to feel alive. At least i got to feel human.

I have completely lost the capability to love. Love- it just don’t matter that much anymore. Does it really even exist? My cynicism has gone way worse.

I mean, look at us. We meet lots of people. We get attached, we fall in love. Then we fall out or apart and carry on looking for something or someone else. What a fucked up scene yet the majority of us keep on encountering it one way or another.

The bottom line is, the age where we live today has little to do with commitment. And loving someone today seems almost an obscenity.

I used to feel like i was just walking in a dark tunnel, i used to see a small hint of light. Now, the tunnel just went totally dark.

So, where do i go from here? What direction am i supposed to adhere? Will i still be able to find some light? I swear i dont know anymore. I am a hopeless, heartless monster.

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Published by

joannanmc

I'm Joanna Grace Namoc, a nineteen-year-old gypsy soul. A bookworm since birth. Two of my favourite books are The Catcher in the Rye and Veronika Decides to Die. I'm a frustrated writer. I'm a fan of rainy days accompanied with hot coffee, sweater and a good read. I'm not the type that goes gaga over a bouquet of roses; i like sunflowers more. I love listening to indie music. I love photography. I have a knack for gratuitously cleaning and arranging things which lead me to this belief that i have OCD. I am fascinated by frogs and jet plane trails. I love driving to distant places alone. The only goodbyes that i like is how the sky does it every sunset. I enjoy solitude - particularly visiting places to wander, where my thoughts are my only companions. I'm pretty cynical too. I hate relationships because i suck being anyone's anything. I'm aware the cruelty of this world, but i still believe that life is beautiful. I'm currently taking up Bachelor of Science in Economics at the University of the Philippines Los Banos. I dream to be a lawyer or a writer. Or maybe both, if that doesn't sound far-fetched.

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